midnight ramblings.

literally, it is in the midnight hour, I can't sleep and I am slightly annoyed (not a good combination to get myself asleep..) and yes I still have another day tomorrow of this stretch of work.

I was reading back on this post and am feeling a little bit of a downer, and failure. It's already a quarter through 2015, and halfway through March and I have officially accomplished one thing on that list "work hard". So maybe tomorrow I can start to work on that?

Lately I feel as though I work and people go on vacation around, get engaged, have babies, live a fulfilling life and I work hard at work. Then I go home snuggle with my kittens, procrastinate on anything productive and then I go back to work to work hard at work. It's really a ruthless cycle that has to end at some point, and I know I am capable of more because I have done more than this in the past, I just don't know why it's so hard for me and this almost 25 year old body. Where at one point in this beautifully crazy messy life I believed it would be perfect to be 25 years old, married, working a job I love, and take vacations with my hubby and not worry about kids quite yet...now to achieve that at this point would be nothing short of a miracle.

Speaking of my cats they must feel my uneasiness today because they are running around like crazy, fighting, jumping,...anyways. Who knows.

Ultimately, I am feeling a little restless, and not feeling quite 100% in any part of my life which makes me crave more than anything right now to feel at least an itty bit settled in one part of my life. As a result I believe I am more restless and drained and unable to really solve any of (my) worlds problems at the moment. not good, not good at all.

So as I (try) to fall asleep tonight I feel inclined to pray, pray for something big to happen in my life, because the man upstairs has a way better plan than anything I can come up with, or so I believe.

sweet dreams. if you're working a night shift, I hope your shift treats you swimmingly! 

finding time for gentleness

Currently, I am in my bed with my feet up, one cat next to me while the other is curled on my legs in front of my computer. It's the coldest it has been outside for weeks in the good ol' north in Minnesota so I decided for today to turn my heat up a little higher than I usually do and just be present. 

I don't have children, I live in a one bedroom apartment, and all I have responsibility to take care of is myself (oh, and the fur balls, but lets be honest they take care of themselves) and in my last 6 day stretch of evening shifts I quite nearly failed at a little bit of everything. (applause roars for all you moms & caregivers out there that also work full time (in my case especially NURSES), make food, clean their house, are lovers of their children/ husbands/ family's!; I could go on...I am overly impressed). I am still learning and growing and learning and growing.

Monday I hit a low point and I found a pin on pinterest; (the most inspiring place on the planet, obviously) it went something like this "be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can". Oh how this perfectionist heart needed to hear those words. So today I am doing just that. I am ignoring the to-do list of my typical day after a long stretch of work AKA: "laundry day" in other words a trek out in the tundra to the laundromat. I am giving myself some safe space to do what I need to do to take care of myself and save the productivity for when I am more rejuvenated. Finding gentleness for today.

Timely enough, as I was perusing the internet, and one of my Facebook acquaintances posted a link to this article, "20 Signs You're Doing Better Than You Think You Are". Have you read it? Another good reminder to get back to the basics and reminded me to be thankful. I am thankful to be gainfully employed and doing good work, even though it's hard work. I am thankful for a cozy home with a functioning furnace. I am thankful for family who makes time for each other. I am also thankful for these two fur balls who continually are so forgiving of their caregiver ;-). Since I haven't seen my boyfriend in nearly two weeks and I am out of town for Valentine's day (I know I am awful) he planned a date night tomorrow and date day Saturday that I didn't have to think to thoughts about and that of itself was a huge gift.

So wherever you are in your journey whether you are a stay at home mom, single, work from home, are a nurse, or company type find a place for gentleness. I would say when you find space for gentleness for your own life it will begin to overflow and be gentle with others as well.   

my first double.

When working at a place that houses sick people, it is a 24-7 operation, and since you can never predict when the "busy" season will be staffing (I imagine can be a bit of a challenge). Good thing for me that's not my job and I just show up when I am told, work hard, do the best that I can for my patients and myself.

Last night was one of those nights where the hospital census was super duper high for our hospital (over 300 people?) just our campus alone, and our unit was at FULL capacity. So that means the night shift needed extra help. I volunteered for a "deal" so I doubled yesterday so I didn't have to come back this evening and squeeze in a few extra days off. Good thing as soon as found out I quickly called Jimmy John's and ordered a second meal of the day and the extra time was actually kinda a welcomed breath of fresh air. I felt like I actually got to be present with my patients, see problems resolve, and progress made.

I have had way more sleep this week than on an average week, partially due to my friends working more this week, my boy friend being out of town, and other circumstances so I felt that I could handle taking on the extra shift. Which actually I pleasantly felt pretty good after....which is quite ironic because I was commenting on Monday morning when I had to "double-back" where I got off at 11:30 and back at work at 8am (which I've decided is WAY worse than doubling), I said I would never double. Apparently I spoke too soon, and I think I will like the noticeable difference in my pay check next time.

For those who work funny jobs like me, know yourself, know your limits, and then sometimes stretch them...you may surprise yourself.  

kicked my butt.

 

source unknown. 

I dunno if it was the post-holiday blues, it being a monday, or too many days off in a row for this new nurse that it took more than 45 minutes into my shift for me to feel like the rug was pulled beneath me and had to reorient to the evening shift & rhythm of my unit again. 4 new patients, none I had met before, and it was a busy and long night. Plus, a bad choice in "lunch" brought from home, so much so I justified a post-shift run to taco bell on the way home from work, bad habits brewing...not something I am proud of.

Now it's 2 o'clock in the morning and I am trying to stay up as late as possible because I'm back on nights for the rest of the week! I've checked all my emails, read the weekly update from my boss, double checked my calendar multiple times so that I have everything under control (thank goodness for smart phones!).

Fart. Burp. Vom. Hiccup. Cough.

So sometimes when I tell people I am going to school to be a nurse I will get responses like;

"OH I could NEVER do that..."

"I definitely don't have the STOMACH for that job"

"good for you, that's definitely NOT my THING"

"Nursing...well that will definitely be HARD work"

...and most of the time I laugh it off, knowing full well the profession I have decided to take on. Sunday night I was working the evening shift (3:30pm - 12:00am) on the post-op// orthopedic floor. I don't remember if I mentioned this before but I float, so I am usually never on the same unit twice in a row, as a result I'm constantly getting used to different break rooms, where stuff is, etc. Well this particular break room is in the back and the door is open to 3 different patient rooms, none of which are singles (meaning they have multiple people in them). ANYWAYS, I was sitting down to eat my dinner on my 30 minute break and I'm about to bite into my delectable left-overs of tortellini pasta and I here the largest flem-filled cough I've heard in a long time, then a grunt, followed by, "wow that medication is really clearing me up!". {Pause} I understand that as a nurse we use "potty" words all the time, and actually encourage our patients to describe in the best detail they can their experience, all apart of a good "assessment". HOWEVER, I was on my break and yes trying to eat a meal while not only hearing and discussing such topics, but forced to eat during them.

I must say,...they haven't mentioned that I would have to accomplish that skill for nursing school without throwing up myself. 

That is all.