Confession Corner

I have a confession to make, rather a truth to be told. I really enjoy searching through and listening to thought-provoking ted talks. Depending on my mood I enjoy this more than youtube, netflix, or even watching a good "ol' fashioned" DVD.

Today I happened across one that caught me dead in my tracks, titled,
"Sherry Turkle: Connected, but alone?"



If you have 20 minutes to turn away from other distractions and listen to Sherry I think everyone can learn something from this talk. Ironically enough it inspired me to write a blog post.

Here's my personal story regarding the evolution of technology and social media in my lifetime. I'm officially in my mid-twenties this year and I did not get a cell phone until the summer after my junior year of high school. The only reason my parents allowed me to is that I had to pay every penny of the cost of that phone. I loved that white samsung flip phone. When I first bought my phone my parents rule was that there were no cell phones at the table, and must be plugged in downstairs by my dads cell phone. I would say the later rule was short lived, as any teenager does to stretch rules as far as they possibly can, and eventually my parents gave in. Soon texting began to be something that people did to communicate. It started with 300 texts/ month plan, then 1,000, then unlimited I could finally text as many times as I want. Around that time "smart phones" started to be a normalcy, and soon I got the first generation touch-phone prior to Samsung galaxy, with wireless and texting of course. Now it's 2014 and I own an iPhone 5 with unlimited text, call, and data where I can use at any time I want even internationally if I am on a wireless network, and be "connected" with a touch of a button. As I watched this Ted talk, some examples of communication and technology she used may have been extreme, however that disconnect between real-life and life online I see everyday, and fall into the trap myself. So as I wrestle with what she is saying I hope I can start to evaluate the boundaries I have in my life regarding my attachment to technology. Maybe one as simply as turning OFF my phone while I am at work, I rarely can look at my phone anyway, and why do I really need to have my cell phone in my pocket while caring for patients, even if I don't look at it even once?

I apologize if this post seems a little wordy and disjointed, but after watching this TED talk it really got me thinking.  

Finding my niche in transition.

Photo outside Thomas Jefferson's Monticello Aug-2013

Hello. It's me, Ashley.  Do you remember me?

I am currently laying on my bed with this view, added candles always make it feel better. Listening to BDot, Subject to Change (first time sitting down and listening to the whole album start to finish since it's been released). I am sad that #fortydaysofdating is over (and now that I read the date it ended on my 23rd birthday, obviously not posted until now, obviously random & not important information). My alma mater started school this last Wednesday, and I don't really know how I feel about that, other than I don't miss having the responsibility and homework associated with being a student. Staring at my feet make me forget the last time I got a pedicure, and my nails really need some TLC. Thinking about a lot lately and what this transition from undergrad to young adulthood will look like, ...trying to still keep positive and moving forward on "real life". Also, feeling moments of gratitude for the help and support I'm receiving from friends and family as I apply for nursing jobs. Thankful for the time and space to say "yes" to more things where when I was in school I had to give up a lot of social engagements because of class/ clinical/ studying/ work/ you name it.

Even though I had a window into job hunting last spring and summer, while looking for a CNA job it's still tough feeling like most of the time you are getting rejected and it's hard to not take it personally. I only started applying for jobs mid-July and as a new graduate in the job market there aren't as many options then if I had even 6 mos to a year experience. I continue to update and change my resume, meet with people in the field, and stay on top of hospital openings, but it can get discouraging.

Enough of the blah stuff. I am hoping I can get my butt into gear, share some photos from my family's trip to Washington D.C., and a few other things I've been meaning to put blog posts together about. We'll see how it goes, I'm cautiously optimistic!

Happy Monday!
Wishing for a good week even though I'm still in limbo.         

Quiet. Still. Peace.

There's a lot of events that have happened between last Thursday when I posted and today. Two things specifically; one that has gotten national attention, and another that is local and close to my heart. Both of these events are complicated and filled with hate, uncertainty, and communities that have been left damaged. I follow a lot of blogs, many blogs that usually pause when national disasters occur such as the Newtown shooting, or the shooting last summer in a movie theater in Aurora, Colorado. However, today I have not seen one blog that has mentioned anything of the Trayvon Martin case and the verdict that was decided. I don't have it all gathered in my head yet, but I do think the justice system failed in America last Saturday night. We have a long ways to go. The disparities and systemic inequalities in America include but aren't limited to economics, race, sexuality, education; the list could go on. These are all huge issues in America right now, and I don't have all the answers. Not any one person does. Unfortunately though, our response (as Americans) a lot of the time to uncomfortable issues or topics is to not talk about it, especially if it doesn't directly affect us. I just don't believe ignoring these topics and issues, or being silent/ looking the other way, is a solution to any of these problems.

That's where my heart is right now.

I will continue to wrestle with these events this past weekend.

I will pray for everyone affected by these events; as well as ones that didn't make national news.

I will pray for the people and communities affected by injustice daily to come together for good in solidarity for what is right and just for ALL people.

I will try my best to act, be different, not be silent.

Perseverance.

My last week and a half has gone something like this; I moved out on a Tuesday and ended my lease at my one and only college rental on a Friday mentioned in my last post {here}. Fortunately/ unfortunately, within the chaos took one day off of studying NCLEX because it just wasn't going to happen. Luckily, I was organized and efficient enough that I was able to move in and unpack completely into my parents within less than 24 hours (I am a firm believer in giving away or throwing away items that I know longer absolutely need or use, or my rule of thumb; if it is less than $20.00 and I'm not using it, get rid of it...I can replace it later if I need to).

After starting to get into a routine at my parent's house we discover (as my dad is out of town for work) that the dryer downstairs is broken, needs to be replaced. Which my parents couldn't go shopping for until Wednesday. After Wednesday rolled around they discovered that it wouldn't be delivered until today...so I was just happy that I did my laundry before I left my rental. Well last Friday rolls around and we have a huge storm and go to sleep Saturday night without power. I could go on...but I'll try to keep this short.

Through all this chaos of uncontrollable circumstances, I have tried my best to stay in a routine of studying for my NCLEX exam and working 5 days a week by teaching swimming lessons once a day.

My mom says that since graduation it has been a test of my perseverance, and that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but still need to be focused on my goal.

I can't say this is how I thought my 5 weeks of studying for my nursing board exams would go, but I guess it is a good introduction to how real life is. Unplanned (mostly). and messy.   

Well tomorrow I take my final mock-NCLEX exam, one that consists of 265 questions and anticipated to take me between 4 - 5 hours. I am going to try my best, and know that it is just one step closer to my goal.

Alarm set for 6:30am...so for now it is bed time.

Funk.

 

source unknown.

I am in a FUNK. And I don't like it, but then again...who does?
Everything is going as it should be for any student who is in their final semester of nursing school, for the most part, and I am on schedule to walk across the stage at graduation on May 25th.

BUT. It's the little things that are throwing me off, it's the little details of everything that I am trying to keep up with, and more times than not, I can't seem to get it exactly right.

My shift for the afternoon got called off at my preceptorship because of low census...unfortunate because it puts me back up to needing 5 shifts completed in the first 10 days of May.

When my inbox has over 4 emails that are important that need to be attended which includes action and follow-up my stress level increases exponentially.

So here's to one day at a time, 42 days until graduation, and knowing everything happens for a reason and will get done in time.

Coffee Breath.

source via pinterest.

Monday morning. After daylight savings & PM tour at the hospital...let's just say motivation was severely lacking to get out of bed. However, when one chooses to wait until the last day to write a (final draft) of a paper...there was no choice but to get out of bed.

So. Thus, I have coffee breath, and went to Bruegger's Bagels. The only thing I think that was really able to get me out of bed, conveniently Caribou is right next door.

I have a few more photos and things to share about my trip to Africa that seems so long ago now, but priority of school and finishing this undergraduate career out strong ensues.

Happy Monday.

one week. last semester.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Philippians 4:6-8 NIV)

Stolen from this blog {here}

 

Source unknown.

In one week from today it will be the beginning of the end of the most crazy adventure I've had for 5 years, my last semester as a undergraduate nursing student. CRAZY. If I think about it too long, look at the schedule a little too closely, heaven forbid start counting the days until graduation I start to freak out a little bit. 

In the next week or so I will be finding a lot of things out that will determine how stressful, crazy, intense my last semester of college will be, and to be honest, that's intimidating! I have walked a life where I try to take things as they come, assume that God is bigger than it all, and everything happens for a reason. Que preceptorship assignments. If you don't know already I do not have a car, and will not be able to afford one anytime soon (originally I dreamed maybe by this point I would have been able to save up for one; life had other plans). The final semester of nursing school is spent doing 130 independent hours with an assigned-supervising nurse at a designated hospital in the greater twin-cities area, with this being said it could or couldn't be off a major transport line, it could be night shift/ day shift and any shift in between which means my family and I are going to have to be very creative in transportation during this time or that something or someone that I cannot see at this time would have to interceded to make the transportation more manageable. I am mostly writing this post to be transparent and honest about this situation, and so that I can have everyone around me in prayer that all the details will fall into place. 

Here are my top 3 uncertainties right now that I can use the support and prayer from the broader community:

1) Transportation

2) Assignment, that the placement I get and the supervising RN is perfect for me. Not a perfect person, but she or he is open and honest with students, pushes me to be my best, and gives me challenges and opportunities to learn with 100% support from them

3) I will have an open heart and mind to whatever the assignment is so I can make the absolute most of the situation by being able to learn and grow both personally & professionally regardless of the placement (my top three choices submitted were oncology, post-op//neuro or orthopedic, ER/Trauma {w/ pediatrics})

I know everyone wanted to hear more about my trip, and I will be getting to that (I promise!), however I felt as though this is what is on my heart and mind and thought it was the most important to share for today. 

Happy Monday everyone!

Monday's Ramblings

 

source unknown.

Today was the FIRST SNOW of the season; winter officially has arrived here in my parts. As for my personal opinion of snow; I would be content if I had snow on the ground for 2 weeks a year from from say December 20th to January 4th...something like that? On top of the snow, my roommates have officially decorated the house; or as I said, Christmas has vomited everywhere; I love Christmas, don't get me wrong, but I just have to get past Thanksgiving first. 

News in Nursing School - First test of my peds class; and I'm feeling fairly confident, but at the same time I won't know how I really did until I see my score. Professors announced wouldn't be before Friday.....that's so far from now! I have my second week of clinical this week, and am looking forward to spending more time on the unit and getting more acclimated. Additionally, we had the official meeting introducing us to our FINAL NURSING CLASS EVER in our undergrad career- - is this really happening? I have to choose my top choices for my preceptorship and where I want to spend all 120 hours for my final clinical capstone portion of the class. I'm nervous and anxious. My dream would be oncology peds - but I don't know if that's realistic. My worse case scenerio would be working at the hospital I already work at, I LOVE my job, but I don't want to spend ALL my time there for the last months of college. I would like to mix it up a bit. Ultimately it's out of my control, and I believe that everything will fall into place, exactly how it needs to that will be best for me and my future career in nursing. 

Africa - I officially met with my professor's and fellow classmates and got A LOT of information this past Saturday for Africa and I can't be more excited. However, I really just want to finish this semester strong, and push forward until then. It seems a bit unreal how close my trip is, and how the reality of this trip is hitting me. There's a long list of things that we need to bring, and long list of things we cannot bring; one thing I absolutely won't be bringing is my laptop..crazy a whole month without cell service or a laptop...I'm up for the challenge and think that will be the best part of the whole thing. Completely amercing myself into what Zambia has to offer, and stay as focused on that as possible. 

That's all that's on my mind right now; this week is far less hectic as my last week, and I hope I can take full advantage. 

 Happy Monday to you, and have a good evening// start to your week. 

Won't look back October {2012}

 

unknown source. 

And with the last door bell ring of trick or treaters, October was finished!

October - 

Lasts: community health clinical// community health everything, first day at the new job as a student nurse, day of 4100!!

Firsts: Halloween handing out candy to trick or treaters, day of 4000, day in my new hospital job, seeing a bone marrow biopsy done first-hand, spending time on an oncology floor, working a one-on-one on high-demand patients, first swim meet of the season visiting my brother away at school

Things I've learned: how to advocate for my patient's/ & myself, work multiple day shifts in a row, to know what I know, rely on God, continue to take life one day at a time, not stress over spilled milk, actions speak louder than words, if I can get through this month I can get through the rest of school, it's okay to cry sometimes, hospice nursing is probably not for me

Thankful for: a church community that supports and lifts up their congregation in prayer, a job in a hospital that offers good learning and growing experience individually & professionally, an awesome boss at the hospital, parents who sacrificially support and love me when I need it the most, support of past professors, a home that is safe and warm on cold nights, I have all my necessities met, passing my 3rd to last undergraduate nursing class 4100, classes only being 1/2 a semester so that I can get a change of pace/ personalities

Looking forward to: pediatric rotation and experience, THANKSGIVING with all my dad's side of the family at our house!!, growing professionally as a nursing role through school & my job, the unknown after graduation, discerning what I want to do with my nursing career after graduation & the boards, GSJ - senior seminar course in AFRICA!

What I'm missing: last semester (still miss 3500), having a car, summer (always), more flexibility in my schedule/free time, time with my brothers...

The past two months of my life have probably been the most challenging, frustrating, difficult months that I've experienced in a long time. The things that I had to push through and persevere through I never anticipated while going into my last year of nursing school. I'm optimistic that the final push through this semester will go a lot better and I'll be able to better manage my time and strike a balance in my life. I really am hoping that during this pediatric rotation that I will be able to identify if this is something I can see myself doing for a career choice and narrow down my choices for my preceptorship next spring (132 hours of clinical on a single hospital unit required for graduation). I'm tentative regarding the optimism about the remainder of the semester but hope that I can move forward and not look back, and finish this semester off strong. I have high hopes for this class - only time will tell.      

Community Health Nursing {School}

As I mentioned once before {here}, I am currently taking a class on working with vulnerable populations which includes both mental health and community health nursing clinical experiences. I think the past month has been such a demonstration of my life so far, my journey that has brought me to this point, and what the nursing field has to offer in the future.

This class has taken every last ounce of academic stamina, emotional strength, and patience out of me. Which is a continuation of how I felt in my journey in finding a job within the hospital setting. As a result making this past month of school more difficult than I ever anticipated in my 2nd to last semester as a undergraduate student. One thing you may not know is that once I put my mind on something I am going to do it, almost to a fault, and sometimes that can be so draining that there are days that I am just not on my best. Then I realize what I am learning in school, and realize all of the populations I am with and think to myself, wow I am so blessed and thankful for the GOOD things that I DO HAVE.

So far what Community & Mental Health Nursing has taught me:

• Patience is something that we'll reward you far beyond what I could have ever expected, but it sometimes is the hardest thing to possess
• Hold consequence to the deeds, not the doer, just because people make mistakes does NOT make them a bad person...we all make mistakes and learn in different ways
• The world is complex and hard to navigate, but when you have the rug pulled from under you and you don't have access and ability to use resources it makes life far more difficult
• I don't know everything about anyone, so I need to worry about myself, comparison is going to be one's worst enemy. 
• Do not judge, refer back to previous point(s)
• I am not cut out to wear business casual everyday of my life, it's stressful, I don't like thinking that hard of what I have to wear in the morning, and I am slightly looking forward to just doing "regular hospital nursing" & wearing scrubs for any clinical work I do
• Community health and advocacy on a systemic and institutional level is something I'm passionate about, social justice is a human, a EVERYONE problem, and responsibility and action needs to exist so whatever employment I have will not deter me from having at least some involvement in outreach & community health// public health issues

As I said a few days ago, this past month has been rough. I am trying to stay positive and productive but sometimes it's just hard.

One day at a time. (Though, I'll be honest, November can't come soon enough!)

One year ago today: last first day of college swimming...seems so long ago! {here}

So Long September {2012}

 

source unknown.

Oh September!

Lasts: first day of undergrad, first day of fall as a college student, annual physical at the pediatricians office (goodbye childhood!)...

Firsts: day as an official senior in college, taking 8 credits at a time (total 12 in the semester), getting a job in a hospital, going in a mental health locked unit of the hospital, taking a class with a police sheriff as my professor, time meeting baby Moriah...

Things I've learned: how to write a community nursing diagnosis, how to write a community care plan, time manage like a pro {most of the time}, live on a budget, depend on my friends when I need to, support others in their success, mental health nursing is hard, life is hard, reminded to take one day at a time, that in whatever capacity I am a nurse in the future an element of community health nursing will be part of it....

Thankful for: parents that love me unconditionally and sacrificially, a home to sleep at night, nutritious food everyday, a new job in the hospital, quality professors, support of professors from the past, how I was raised, opportunity to be in nursing school.... 

Looking forward to: GSJ - Zambia// J-term abroad in Africa, Pediatric rotation next subsection, watching my teammates swim, seeing a close friend// high school exchange student in town from Germany, learning & growing as a student nurse in my new job... 

What I'm missing: summer, excitement of swim season to start (too old!), last year (something I thought I'd never say!), having a car, free time, no homework...

I would be lying if I said this past month was a breeze, or everything I hoped for. It has been quite a challenge and learning experience. I hope that I will be able to take what I've learned this month and be able to move forward and successfully complete this nursing course I am currently in, and look back at it and see how much I have grown individually, professionally, and spiritually.

Looking forward to October!

bad morning [honest talk]

accident
mistake
failure
disappointment
frustration
annoyed
regreat
discontent
apology
so so sorry
stress
anxious

...[with myself, which makes it worst]

I got in a car accident with a parked car, completely my fault, and I wish there was something I could do that would make it so it never had happened. I honestly just didn't even realize I was that close to the car, and now there's consequences. The owner of the car was super nice about it, told me "accidents happen, it can be fixed". but the reality is that it shouldn't have happened, and I don't necessarily have money to pay for the damages. 

I really truly am sorry to everyone involved.

Just a sucky situation. I had a clean driving record until today.

It could have been worse, and I am thankful there was no injury and the damages were relatively minimal, but it still happened and for that I'm the most upset with myself.

It's just never seems to end, my luck sometimes isn't so great.